Being Thankful

On this Thanksgiving, I have a few things that are often left unsaid. So without further ado, here is my little list:

1. My little girl, who just turned 7, was born on Thanksgiving day and is what I am most thankful for. She began life so little and so strong-willed. Through all the struggles her father and I have been through, she has always taken everything in stride. Things that bother us don't seem to affect her.  Today, she has grown into a headstrong, tall, intelligent, articulate, silly, kind, an advocate for self and others, and a very independent child with a strong sense of right and wrong. I love every part of her. To paraphrase a book, "I love her through and through, yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too".
2. My equally strong-willed husband whom I have been with for almost 10 years (9 years, 7 months, and 4 days to be exact, but who's counting?). We've gone through a marriage, a divorce, and many ups and downs to be where we are today. I can never find the words to articulate to him how I feel, but in a way, I know he knows. He is the only person on earth to know my deepest and darkest secrets and I know I am the same for him. We have dealt with disappointments and broken dreams while celebrating joys and triumphs. I love his determination to get through his battles and his strong support to help motivate me through mine. I love his play on words or his making up lyrics on the spot. I can not ever think of my life without him, though admittedly, I have tried and I didn't enjoy our time apart, but these are the struggles that made us realize that we are meant to be together. I love you babe. I will always be your Nummerts, Gubbutts, and now your Bubbutts, and who knows what else in the future. You will always be my Huzzy.
3. Although I may never say this, I am thankful for my mom, whom I have learned many skills from. Though growing up, I never really took interest in the things she has done for us, other than the finished product, I use them today. I enjoy sewing and baking for my family, though I do not do these as much as I like. Traditions that we had in our house are being passed and used in mine today. I insist on making birthday cakes from scratch because I feel it is more special than a cake baked and decorated at home than one ordered from a store bakery. The Christmas Eve gift was always something to keep us warm while waiting for Santa's arrival. It was either a blanket and/or pillow, or a new pair of pajamas. I enjoy doing this today for my family. I also enjoy all the family stories of her growing up and others told to her. I have never really known my extended family, but these stories help me know them a little more. My mom and I sometimes don't get along well, at least from my end, but I'm glad to have picked up these things from her.
4. Having my dad around when I know many other people have never known their fathers is a big deal. I have developed a love of the smell of a mechanic's shop that is unrivaled. I love that he is a jack of trades and a master of none. I may have gotten my direct and unembellished answering style. If you want more details, all you need to do is ask. I love that I can get dirty and never think twice about it. His hands are rough from a life of hard work  with grease stains lined cracks. He is the one who taught me the value of the outdoors and always leaving an area a little cleaner than when you arrived. Teaching me to fish is something I enjoy doing today, as well as camping on a path untraveled. As with many in my life, I would like to see some changes in our relationship, such as his with my daughter. There are many things left unsaid because I do not like confrontation, among other things. Thank you Dad for doing your best for us with what you had.

Learning and Growing From Disappointment

Life is picking up around here. This is the year our baby girl started first grade and she will be turning 7 years in a little over a month. Next week, I will be starting classes again and starting my first day as a literacy and math tutor for a local elementary school. Huzzy was recently offered and accepted a job as a Personal Trainer at a local gym and starts next Monday too.

These things are moving smoothly while other things are being shot down. When we were looking around for a new home, we talked to the management of the apartment complex we are currently living in about their pet policy. I was told tenants in our apartment size could have up to three pets. This got our family excited because we had always wanted to have a dog join our family that includes two adult cats. We moved in, got settled, and have been actively looking for the perfect dog to meet our strict guidelines (i.e. good with cats, other dogs, and children of any age, especially very young; not a puppy, but not an old dog; not too small, but not to big; etc.) at local rescues and shelters. This week, we found the perfect one at the local shelter. She is a cattle dog named Tazzy; a big ball of energy who is also a big cuddle bug. After filling out the paperwork, the shelter called our complex manager, as per their policy, to confirm our eligibility to adopt her. Turns out, "it's always been two pets" that are allowed. Completely opposite of what we were told upon move in, even after we asked multiple times while signing the lease. We left the shelter in a ball of emotions; embarrassed to go in there only to be denied, angry that we were deceived by our understanding of the pet policy, and overwhelmingly disappointed and upset to the point of tears. We had the mindset that we were going to bring this dog home and surprise our daughter after school. It truly hurt us. To get through this, we tell ourselves the same thing we tell our daughter: "We will get the right dog for our family when the time is right." This seems to hurt us more than it helps her. The only bright side is knowing that she will find a great family and the fact that our daughter never got to meet this dog.

Huzzy and I have been talking for a while about how to bring up the fact of the adoption of our daughter to her. She is getting older quickly and want to tell her, but we are still trying to figure out how to do so. We thought about talking about the adoption of animals, such as our cats, and tying it into the adoption of humans. At the end of last school year, she was given a story book about adoption and I've found a book on the same topic at my college library. We have read these together and lightly discussed the reasons for adoption, including the circumstances behind her becoming ours. It is a process that is taking its time and I believe it's partly out of fear on our parts, at least my part. What kind of questions will she ask? How will she react? Will she want to ask her Aunt (bio mom) questions and call her cousins her brother and sister? We want them to stay her aunt and cousins, but know there is a special bond between them.

Another reason for wanting to tell her is her constant questions of "When will I have a baby brother?" I don't know how to explain our struggles to conceive for the past 10 years. We have yet to even touch on the birds and the bees talk. How can we explain that Daddy and Momma just can't have babies? When she does vocalize this wish for a sibling, I try to tell her that it probably won't happen any time soon.

With this knowledge that we may never, ever, have a child of our own genes, my Huzzy and I have come to the realization, in our own way, that this dream is slipping away with every month passing. We are moving into our 30's and both have our respective reproductive health issues. We cannot afford the treatments to artificial pregnancy, and to be honest, I don't think I could go through with it and keep a sane mind. He doesn't share his thoughts on the matter very often, but when he does, I can hear the hurt in his voice and I'm hurt by this. Having a larger family was something we've talked about since first meeting.

There are days where my thoughts float from guilt of not being able to conceive to the grieving for the loss of a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. Ads on my FB page don't help; ads on the radio and TV intensify it, and songs with messages of a happy large family damn near brings me to tears. And to top it off, it all needs to be pushed down to be able to function on a level of normalcy.

As I've said in previous posts, when my body prepares for the arrival of Aunt Flo's unwelcome visit, my mind goes for a ride on the emotional rollercoaster. A small part of me battles with the hope of a child growing inside and the reasonable side that reminds me that it's almost impossible. No matter how this battle is fought, in the end, that small part of me dies and goes into hibernation until the next month when it will continue. The hardest part of all this is not knowing why nothing is happening and knowing that we may never be able to fix it.

In the mean time, it is hard to be around new moms or moms-to-be. Last weekend was my niece's third birthday. Her mother invited two friends who had recently given birth (2 months and 2 weeks). I instantly went into the feelings of guilt and grief mixed with jealousy and resentment. Deep down, I know these feelings are unreasonable, but they always seem to surface. I spent most of my time trying to stay away from the newborn most of all. She was passed from one person's arms to another. Eventually, she was placed into the arms of the woman (one I can not stand, but have to tolerate) who was sitting next to me. It took all I had in me to not just break down and cry. I eventually had to get up and make myself busy. This was the closest I'd been to a newborn in a very long time and I had to push myself to my limits to make myself appear as all was well and focus myself on my little niece, which did help- a bit.

With all this going on, Huzzy and I have come to the resolution to seriously save our money with the goal of buying our first home to be free of landlords who tell us how many pets we may have, how we can store our bikes and other things, and just make rules we don't agree with. It will take a few years, but we are determined to reach this. Nothing will stop in our way.

In the mean time, Baby Girl, Huzzy, and I will succeed in our respective education and career goals. We will move on from these disappointments, as well as any future mishaps, and use them to grow and learn from. In the end, what else can we do? We don't want to wallow in the dark, but emerge brighter than ever with the goal of bettering ourselves individually and as a family. I'm not saying we are perfect, or will ever be, but we can at least lean on each other for love and support. What else is family for, anyway?

"Just Wait Until..."

I read an opinion article last night about the worst advice to give other parents. It always seems to start with one parent (usually a younger, new parent) who is either complaining about a new habit their child has developed, or if they are young enough (such as the early 2-3's), how cute it is that this habit is. The other parent will inevitably come back with a "If you think that is bad/ cute, just wait until..." The article goes on to say how this phrase comes across as condescending rather than helpful. I know I do not do justice to summarizing this article.

I remember doing this a few times, not meaning any harm by it. One more recent situation was when I was at the playground at our complex and talking with another parent of an only child from the neighborhood. While we were watching our children play, another mom with two small girls (1 and 2 years old) came over and started talking. She said something to the effect of, "I can't wait until my girls get older!" I went on to say that she may not feel the same when they are older and then be wishing they were young again. (The other mom agreed, but I don't know if we feel that way because we have only children. It could be different with two children close in age.)

I say this about my own daughter. Sometimes I wish she were just a small infant to about 18 months old again. She was easy to care for, I knew what she wanted and she didn't talk back as much as she does now. In the long run though, I am glad she is 6 (and some days going on 16) and do wish that time would stand still. I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

My husband shared a story from one of his friends who posted on FB that she wished her 2 year old daughter be 5 right now after handing her a cup of juice and watched her daughter pour it on the floor, then laughing it off with a "But it was so cute!" It's not so cute when your 6 year old does it, and not to mention the stepping on your feet, pushing past you when you are carrying an armload of whatever so she could be in front of the imaginary line, then looking at you innocently like nothing even happened.

This got us talking about all the different things that no one told us, or that they did tell us, but we shrugged it off with "That won't happen to us" or "I learned from your mistakes" and returned the all-knowing look from the advice giver, usually in our experience, our parents.

Here are a few things we came with when our daughter was born:

• Girls have little fire hoses like boys; they can both pee up into the air as well as out in front of them. Just ask my carpet- and my husband, who was changing a diaper and almost got a face full of urine.
• When there is a fear of the toilet during the early potty training year, your child may find other ways to void their bladder... and their bowels. I had to throw out many a toy from this last one. There's nothing like cleaning your young toddler's room to discover that some random bowl-like toy has been used as a less frightening toilet. This includes the underside of a drum seat, the barrel for the Barrel of Monkeys, and many other things.
• There is nothing like coming into the living room and seeing your little one has taken off a dirty diaper, smeared it onto the couch you just recently purchased, and dancing on said couch. (Glad I was at work when this one happened.)
• There is no good cure for 'verbal diarrhea'; she will say whatever comes to mind, even about the time "Mom shaved Dad's butt!" Or one of my favorites just happened the other day when her dad and I were trying to take a 'nap' and she walked in. "Why are you taking a nap nekkie?"

Plus many more!

What a journey it has been thus far. There has been, and continues to be, challenges, more recently a semi-confirmed diagnosis of a medical condition that is being dealt with day by day.

Does anyone else have any advice that they were given and didn't take to heart until much later when their child(ren) did this or that? Was there any advice that was simply not given, but later thought it should have been? Or on the flip-side, what kind of advice have you given that wasn't received?

A Little Sibling Jealousy

Well, I just read something my baby sister said about her little family of her, her husband, and their two cats. She goes on to ask what others thought is next... a dog or a baby. My first thoughts were of her needing to wait a while, then sadness and jealousy at the thought of her having a biological child of her own before me. I am coming to the realization that we may never have one of our own, but I had never given much thought of my younger siblings having children of their own. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have little nieces and nephews to call me Auntie, just as my daughter calls my sister, but I'm afraid of myself being overwhelmingly jealous and letting my sadness cloud my excitement for my siblings and their spouses for their/ our new addition to our family. My only hope is that not one of my brothers or sister, or their spouse, have the same issues as my husband and I.

When all is said and done, I will be overjoyed with the news and I will always have a smile on my face when the ultrasound pictures come, news of the first kicks and movements are shared, and all the little fun pregnancy stories are shared. Inside, though, I will probably be in turmoil.

For now, though, I don't need to worry about it. I just need to take it one day at a time. Let's just see what happens and hope for a dog.

What's in a Name...

I've seen lots of articles lately with the pros and cons of naming children unique names. It is a measure of respect to be able to pronounce and spell a person's name correctly and to argue or almost lecture someone over the choice of names they have picked for their child is downright disrespectful in my eyes.

For example, my daughter has the name of a movie character who is a vampire queen, although this is not where we first heard it. When family asked where we did get it, I referenced this movie and got negative comments back. One family member was constantly asking us to change it, up until she was born. She named her two children boring/ preppy "traditional" names and had wanted us to do the same. The thing is, my husband and I are not traditional in any way. We had a Gothic wedding, complete with bonding and a private blood ceremony. Some family members were unhappy about this, but we still did it.

My name could be debated. I am named after a character from an mid-80's scifi series that my dad liked at the time. Thankfully, it is also the name of a group of stars that make up the constellation Cassiopeia, though spelled slightly different. My middle name is derived from two cousins my mom helped to raise and one is uniquely spelled. It is fun to challenge people to spell these two names, three names if you use my shortened every-day name. People always want to spell it with every variation when it is simply spelled Cassi. No K's, no e's, and no y's please. Just take that difficult part off the end of my name and there you go. No bells, no whistles.

My family is full of one-of-a-kind names, my sister, my cousins, a few of them that has taken me at least 20 years to be able to both spell and pronounce. My point here is have fun and have some respect for those who have these interesting names. Ask them how their parents came up with the name they were given. Maybe it is a family name that isn't used as much, maybe it's from a book or a television series, maybe they were just creative. Just be respectful about it, you may be hearing that name for years to come.

Summer in Full Swing

This last week officially threw us into summer. With temperatures in the upper 80's to mid-90's, it was HOT! It made for a good weekend at the beach and an afternoon at the Ponds with a little cooling off today. That nice cool breeze we got today isn't going to last for long.

I've been doing a lot of looking around for tutorials and patterns for various things and I am dying to make myself a maxi dress. I found a tutorial on one of my go-to sites, Craftsy, and I found this one: How to Sew a Maxi Dress this Summer. My mom sent me this nice flowy fabric and the only issue I'm having with it is how thin it is. I'm hoping that doubling it will work. I hope I can get it done soon so that I can wear it next week when we go to pick up my baby sister and her hubby from the airport. We haven't seen each other (other than Skype a couple of times) for over 3 years and she's visiting for a whole week! But I digress. I wonder if I can sit down and work on this thing tomorrow morning before it gets too hot and we have to leave for little one's dentist appointment.

On the home front of making friends, I think I'm kind of getting better. I had an OK conversation with a neighbor while our kids were playing at our complex park. We talked about the neighborhood school, my soapbox topic of early education, and a few other things. Eventually, it became silent. What else could I say? She just went back to her Kindle and we stayed in silence... I'll get the hang of it...

As for my dress, I think I'll post my own tutorial on this. As I said before, it's going to need some finagling to make it work. I'm trying to take all my projects in stride and as a learning progress. Stay tuned!


UPDATE: No tutorial. It did take me all day to finish it, but it still needed some things done to it. It turns out that I am not as endowed as others, so a set of straps were made and are awaiting placement, as well as some padding to ensure that headlights are not seen. Other than that, I LOVE IT! I am thinking of making a couple more in different colors and with a pattern technique I've found that entails using elastic thread instead of elastic bands. But as with everything else, it will come with time and funds, of which I am short of.

My Parenting Perspective

When I'm at the park, there always is a parent who runs to my daughter's aid as I casually walk over to her when she gets 'stuck' in a position I KNOW she can get out of. It's hard to encourage self-reliance when other people we don't know want to help. I tell them that she is fine and she can get out of it herself, but they still insist on helping or offering consolation by rubbing her back or by saying that she is alright if she does fall from 1 foot. She's fine, please leave her alone.

Now I understand that I may be alone in this thinking, but I know my rough and tumble tomboy-girly-girl of a daughter who enjoys taking risks. If she is in any real danger, I come running, but other times, she just wants attention from others and I walk over to her to encourage her to find her own solutions or talk her through the problem, asking what she needs to do about it. She eventually figures out a some kind of solution through trial and error. How can children solve their own problems when parents are CONSTANTLY coming to the rescue? I believe if they are going to get hurt (even if that means a trip to the hospital for stitches or a cast) as a result of their actions, then maybe they may learn a thing or two about not doing it in the future.

My daughter, being six years old, is learning to make her own lunch on the stove. She is learning cut her own food with a steak knife and prepare simple basic foods for herself. She can make her own breakfast in the morning without any assistance. She is growing into a responsible, confident, respectful, self-reliant young lady. As much as I don't like the speed of her growing up, I know I can't stop it. Why should I tell her that she is unable to do something well within her reach?

 Just a thought.

To Build A(n amateur) Bodybuilder

As a little background, my husband (whom I call Huzzy), is an aspiring bodybuilder. This is a new-found passion stemming from years of obesity and fear of not being around for our daughter when she grows older (one that is not out of hypochondria, but out of a medical scare). To say this is a hobby is like dragging it in the dirt. He has lost about 125 lbs in the course of the 9 years we have been together, some of it in a not safe way, but most in the last year through proper diet and training. This lifestyle has steadied his moods (especially through the winter), gained a lot of self-confidence and has boosted his already inflated ego. ;) I am proud to say he is mine to stay, especially through all the mud we dragged our relationship through.

Now on to what I originally started this for:

This is a picture taken today from our monthly shopping trip. What you see here is 15 dozen eggs, 30 pounds of boneless, skinless chicken breast, and a huge 15 pound chunk of bottom round beef that we plan on breaking down into steaks, roast, and burger. You want to know what the sad part about this is? The eggs will probably be gone in the next 2 weeks or so with the chicken disappearing sometime soon. I've already cooked up 3 lbs of it tonight. Five dozen plus 2 eggs more have already been separated before this trip and are sitting in a pitcher in the fridge. What this picture doesn't show is the 20 lbs of frozen veggies, some fresh fruit, 4 bags of spinach, 2 large jars of peanut butter, cottage cheese, oats, grits, rice, and quinoa that will also be eaten before the month is through.

Now you may think this is a lot of food for one person to eat, and admittedly, our daughter and I will be eating about 2 dozen of the eggs, some of this chicken and beef, as well as the fruit and other things, but for the most part, this is his food. Understand this, he eats EVERY two and a half hours and if he is late, he becomes a grumpy, hardheaded person to be around. That is why he repeats the 5 P's: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. It takes us (as in me, and he'll admit this) hours at times to prep for at minimum of 2 days worth of food and filter 4 gallons of water... and this is during the cut stage, which he is in right now. When he was bulking, his meals would consist of a serving of each of a sweet potato, broccoli, chicken, and rice (or some other starch).

He also trains in one way or another 6 days a week, either doing cardio, lifting, or both. This takes some time away from family at times, but I feel it is worth it for him to feel good about himself, no matter what the beating does to his body. Here is an example:

This is the consequence of doing proper form with deadlifts. Bruising on the shins that never seem to go away. It doesn't hurt him, but it isn't pretty to see.

With all this happening, he is graduating with his Bachelor's with an emphasis on public policy this Friday afternoon. His aspirations are high when reaching for the sword of the Natural IFBB competitions. He is a natural bodybuilder and has been eating clean (no junk food, smoking, chewing, or alcohol) for a year now. He is trying to raise funds to become a certified personal trainer so that he may help others who come from his background (plus he can always be in the gym).

He is a dedicated daddy, a supportive husband and friend, and a person who can't be held down. I love him to death and I am glad we went through hell to get to where we are today.

First Post/ Mental Torture

So, here is my first post. This has been on my mind all day and I thought I would share. It may not seem like much, but it is always on my mind. So here it goes.

I don't know why my mind does this, but my dreams are torturous. Yesterday I sat daydreaming about what it would be like to be sitting at my sewing machine making clothes and diapers for the baby I was carrying. Then last night I dreamt I was in labor, but didn't want to go to the hospital because I thought it was too early. I hate being jealous of other people who have newborn babies or are pregnant and I don't know how to control it at times. I have been brought to tears talking about it when my guard is let down, but I try to always keep it up. Every month when Aunt Flo comes to call, no matter how much I tell myself that there isn't anything there, a little piece of me is chipped away. I think I've come to terms about how it may never happen, but my mind never seems to listen.

Rereading this, I've noticed I can't even say what my torture is, but I don't think it needs to be said. I know some day will come, but some days it's too hard of a wait. For now, I know that I need to focus on something else. Maybe that's why I have so many hobbies, to keep my mind off the bad. But for now, this day has ended and I'm almost afraid to sleep but sleep must come and tomorrow is a new day.

Peaceful rest to all.