Not good enough

No matter how hard I try, it seems I can never get ahead. Take my current math class. I'm trying my best. I feel confident that I'm doing the best work possible and that everything is clicking, then BAM! I get a test back and it isn't looking so good- like a bad car accident that makes others slow down to gawk at. I try and I try and I try, yet it is never enough. It then adds on to my internal hatred of myself and affirms that I am not good enough, will NEVER be good enough for anyone or anything. I will never be able to reach any goal because of some small thing that adds to the pile of other small things. I never seem to be able to dig myself out from under it.
I'm under a lot of pressure to graduate with all the credits needed to be accepted to grad school. I want to be a teacher, but all these little things are making me doubt my decision- yet again. I'm so tired of all the stress that I'm holding on to. This quarter alone, I'm taking max full-time credits. I was told today that I'm in danger of losing credit. When I was told this, I shut down. I don't know how bad it was or what was wrong with this test; I got angry and threw it away.
I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I'm not a good enough mother.
I'm not a good enough girlfriend/ wife.
I'm not a good enough homemaker/ housekeeper.
I'm not a good enough cook.
I'm not a good enough student.

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Wedding Bells and Embarassing Bills

Last weekend marked a lot of firsts for me and my family; first flights, first time being in Tennessee, first time meeting new in-laws. My brother got married on Saturday, June 8. Everything was nice enough and everything seemed to go smoothly, with the exception of the wedding night where the family went out to a pricey restaurant before we had to go home the next morning. Knowing that we couldn't afford it, we only ordered drinks for us and a kid's meal for our daughter. My brother and his new wife also tried to buy small by sharing a meal and getting drinks for each of them. When the bills came, the waitress asked if the bills would be together or separate. We got a separate bill, as did everyone else. We paid and waited for everyone else. I saw that one of my cousins was eyeballing my mom to pay for him, so from what I saw, there was some negotiations between my brother and sister to pay for him. From what I saw, my sister ended up paying for a majority of the bill.
Fast forward to Tuesday this week and I asked my husband if he knew what had happened. It turned out that both my cousin AND my mother couldn't pay their bills and had asked my brother to pay for it. I am instantly embarrassed and angry at my mother for this. My brother JUST got married that day and him and his bride are trying to save their money. If my mom knew she couldn't afford this trip, she should have said so and suggested another place to eat.
So to my new sister-in-law, on behalf of my family, I would like to apologize for my mom's behavior. I would also like to take this opportunity to warn you- this will not be the last time she does this. She is a manipulator and my brother is under her control. Always has been, and I hope he can break the cycle. Please keep your marriage to yourselves because she will create wedges.
If you would like to have specific examples, feel free to contact me.

This Ten Year Rollercoaster We Call Us

I'm amazed when I see that number. TEN YEARS?! Yes, today is our 10 year anniversary. No, it isn't our 10 year wedding anniversary; that would be another 2 years if we had stayed legally married. And no, it isn't exactly continuous. It's been 10 years since the day we were introduced through friends who married a month after we did.

It's definitely been one hell of a rollercoaster ride and I wouldn't fix a thing. Why would I? Even with all the hardships that we've put each other through, we've fixed our personal issues together to make us even stronger as individuals, as a couple, and in the long run, as a family. There have been many times early on where one of us wanted to give up and move on, and a few times we did. No matter what, we always came back together. There's just something about our relationship that can NEVER be explained. We think alike, which can be scary at times. There are things in this world that no one else knows about ourselves other than the other half, not even our parents or closest friends. We've stuck together this long because we have come to the realization, whether it was over time or it suddenly hit us with a ton of bricks, that we can not or will survive without each other.

Let me back this up. Let's start this from the beginning:

 In April of 2004, I was preparing to graduate high school as a Super Senior (meaning I took an extra year) and I was moping around after a recent breakup. My friend at the time wanted me to set me up with her boyfriend's best friend. I agreed and she gave him my number. I paced my house nervously after school; I had never been on a blind date before and I didn't know what to expect. Later that afternoon, he called me and asked if I wanted to go out for coffee. "I don't drink coffee," I said, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Um, you don't have to order coffee. Just get what you want," he told me. I told him where I lived and we set a time for him to pick me up.

Later that evening, I was pacing again, feeling extremely nervous. From the second floor of my home, I hear my brother calling, "He's here!" Again embarrassed, I go to the door to meet him. He had long curly hair and a full goatee that I just fell in love with. My mom wanted to meet him, so I had to bring him in to do that. I was told to be home by 11 that night and I left in his bronze Astrovan with his friend in the back seat.

We had to go pick up my friend to make it a double date, then went to Denny's to have our 'coffee'. It was a lot of fun after a while. I drank my pop and mostly talked to my friend, but eventually I opened up enough to have some resemblance of a conversation with this guy. I found out he mentored at a junior high after school program, graduated the previous year, and coached a t-ball team with a friend.

After we finished at Denny's, we drove to one of the elementary schools to play on the swings and eventually him and I ended up at a nearby skate park where we sat in the bowl. We talked and stared up at the sky and talked some more. We then headed to my friend's house, whose parents were not home, and messed around some more. This is where my flirting side came out. I started to sit on his lap, hug him, and really just let myself show through. He introduced me to hot wax on my skin. We have a couple of pictures from this time, too, something not many people have this kind of thing. Eleven o'clock came and went and I called my mom to let her know I wasn't going to be home until 1:30, but we kept on talking and messing around. I eventually fell asleep in his arms around 5:30 that morning watching Monte Python and didn't get up until 9 am. I remember him getting up and saying he needed to go home sometime in between me falling asleep and waking up, but he left his phone number on the table next to me. I eventually got home that morning around 10:30 am to a not-so-happy mother, but I didn't care. I just went back to bed.

After that day, we saw each other daily for a long time.

The past 10 years have been filled with much happiness with getting married, which includes many funny, embarrassing, and otherwise unmentionable stories. It has also been filled with some bittersweet memories, such as after my daughter was born and the fiasco with family members. There has been heartache and disappointment, tears of joy, pain, and loss. There has been some health scares that turned out all right in the end.

It has been a rollercoaster and I won't change a thing.

I love you, my Huzzy. I'm proud to be your Nummerts, your Gubbuts.

I'm guilty for wanting to have a child of my own body. My husband and I adopted 7 years ago, but we have been ttc for 10 years. I have an opportunity to try Clomid to grow our family. I feel guilty because I know I should be happy with what we have, but I still feel empty inside. I feel guilty because I don't feel I'm doing the best I can when it comes to parenting my daughter. I lose my patience and I find myself yelling which causes me to feel even worse for myself and her. I'm told that we fight more like sisters than mother and daughter. To be honest, I don't know what that is like. I don't ever remember fighting with my sister so I lack that frame of reference. (My family isn't as close as I'd like it to be and we rarely talk.)
I don't know if I should parent another child if I already feel inadequate as a parent to the child I do have. Some parts of me wants to just be pregnant and have a baby again. I love that stage. Another reason is my and my husband's budding careers. I don't know if it will be possible to raise a baby and a child while working.