Life is picking up around here. This is the year our baby girl started first grade and she will be turning 7 years in a little over a month. Next week, I will be starting classes again and starting my first day as a literacy and math tutor for a local elementary school. Huzzy was recently offered and accepted a job as a Personal Trainer at a local gym and starts next Monday too.
These things are moving smoothly while other things are being shot down. When we were looking around for a new home, we talked to the management of the apartment complex we are currently living in about their pet policy. I was told tenants in our apartment size could have up to three pets. This got our family excited because we had always wanted to have a dog join our family that includes two adult cats. We moved in, got settled, and have been actively looking for the perfect dog to meet our strict guidelines (i.e. good with cats, other dogs, and children of any age, especially very young; not a puppy, but not an old dog; not too small, but not to big; etc.) at local rescues and shelters. This week, we found the perfect one at the local shelter. She is a cattle dog named Tazzy; a big ball of energy who is also a big cuddle bug. After filling out the paperwork, the shelter called our complex manager, as per their policy, to confirm our eligibility to adopt her. Turns out, "it's always been two pets" that are allowed. Completely opposite of what we were told upon move in, even after we asked multiple times while signing the lease. We left the shelter in a ball of emotions; embarrassed to go in there only to be denied, angry that we were deceived by our understanding of the pet policy, and overwhelmingly disappointed and upset to the point of tears. We had the mindset that we were going to bring this dog home and surprise our daughter after school. It truly hurt us. To get through this, we tell ourselves the same thing we tell our daughter: "We will get the right dog for our family when the time is right." This seems to hurt us more than it helps her. The only bright side is knowing that she will find a great family and the fact that our daughter never got to meet this dog.
Huzzy and I have been talking for a while about how to bring up the fact of the adoption of our daughter to her. She is getting older quickly and want to tell her, but we are still trying to figure out how to do so. We thought about talking about the adoption of animals, such as our cats, and tying it into the adoption of humans. At the end of last school year, she was given a story book about adoption and I've found a book on the same topic at my college library. We have read these together and lightly discussed the reasons for adoption, including the circumstances behind her becoming ours. It is a process that is taking its time and I believe it's partly out of fear on our parts, at least my part. What kind of questions will she ask? How will she react? Will she want to ask her Aunt (bio mom) questions and call her cousins her brother and sister? We want them to stay her aunt and cousins, but know there is a special bond between them.
Another reason for wanting to tell her is her constant questions of "When will I have a baby brother?" I don't know how to explain our struggles to conceive for the past 10 years. We have yet to even touch on the birds and the bees talk. How can we explain that Daddy and Momma just can't have babies? When she does vocalize this wish for a sibling, I try to tell her that it probably won't happen any time soon.
With this knowledge that we may never, ever, have a child of our own genes, my Huzzy and I have come to the realization, in our own way, that this dream is slipping away with every month passing. We are moving into our 30's and both have our respective reproductive health issues. We cannot afford the treatments to artificial pregnancy, and to be honest, I don't think I could go through with it and keep a sane mind. He doesn't share his thoughts on the matter very often, but when he does, I can hear the hurt in his voice and I'm hurt by this. Having a larger family was something we've talked about since first meeting.
There are days where my thoughts float from guilt of not being able to conceive to the grieving for the loss of a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. Ads on my FB page don't help; ads on the radio and TV intensify it, and songs with messages of a happy large family damn near brings me to tears. And to top it off, it all needs to be pushed down to be able to function on a level of normalcy.
As I've said in previous posts, when my body prepares for the arrival of Aunt Flo's unwelcome visit, my mind goes for a ride on the emotional rollercoaster. A small part of me battles with the hope of a child growing inside and the reasonable side that reminds me that it's almost impossible. No matter how this battle is fought, in the end, that small part of me dies and goes into hibernation until the next month when it will continue. The hardest part of all this is not knowing why nothing is happening and knowing that we may never be able to fix it.
In the mean time, it is hard to be around new moms or moms-to-be. Last weekend was my niece's third birthday. Her mother invited two friends who had recently given birth (2 months and 2 weeks). I instantly went into the feelings of guilt and grief mixed with jealousy and resentment. Deep down, I know these feelings are unreasonable, but they always seem to surface. I spent most of my time trying to stay away from the newborn most of all. She was passed from one person's arms to another. Eventually, she was placed into the arms of the woman (one I can not stand, but have to tolerate) who was sitting next to me. It took all I had in me to not just break down and cry. I eventually had to get up and make myself busy. This was the closest I'd been to a newborn in a very long time and I had to push myself to my limits to make myself appear as all was well and focus myself on my little niece, which did help- a bit.
With all this going on, Huzzy and I have come to the resolution to seriously save our money with the goal of buying our first home to be free of landlords who tell us how many pets we may have, how we can store our bikes and other things, and just make rules we don't agree with. It will take a few years, but we are determined to reach this. Nothing will stop in our way.
In the mean time, Baby Girl, Huzzy, and I will succeed in our respective education and career goals. We will move on from these disappointments, as well as any future mishaps, and use them to grow and learn from. In the end, what else can we do? We don't want to wallow in the dark, but emerge brighter than ever with the goal of bettering ourselves individually and as a family. I'm not saying we are perfect, or will ever be, but we can at least lean on each other for love and support. What else is family for, anyway?
No comments:
Post a Comment