I'm guilty for wanting to have a child of my own body. My husband and I adopted 7 years ago, but we have been ttc for 10 years. I have an opportunity to try Clomid to grow our family. I feel guilty because I know I should be happy with what we have, but I still feel empty inside. I feel guilty because I don't feel I'm doing the best I can when it comes to parenting my daughter. I lose my patience and I find myself yelling which causes me to feel even worse for myself and her. I'm told that we fight more like sisters than mother and daughter. To be honest, I don't know what that is like. I don't ever remember fighting with my sister so I lack that frame of reference. (My family isn't as close as I'd like it to be and we rarely talk.)
I don't know if I should parent another child if I already feel inadequate as a parent to the child I do have. Some parts of me wants to just be pregnant and have a baby again. I love that stage. Another reason is my and my husband's budding careers. I don't know if it will be possible to raise a baby and a child while working.

Being Thankful

On this Thanksgiving, I have a few things that are often left unsaid. So without further ado, here is my little list:

1. My little girl, who just turned 7, was born on Thanksgiving day and is what I am most thankful for. She began life so little and so strong-willed. Through all the struggles her father and I have been through, she has always taken everything in stride. Things that bother us don't seem to affect her.  Today, she has grown into a headstrong, tall, intelligent, articulate, silly, kind, an advocate for self and others, and a very independent child with a strong sense of right and wrong. I love every part of her. To paraphrase a book, "I love her through and through, yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too".
2. My equally strong-willed husband whom I have been with for almost 10 years (9 years, 7 months, and 4 days to be exact, but who's counting?). We've gone through a marriage, a divorce, and many ups and downs to be where we are today. I can never find the words to articulate to him how I feel, but in a way, I know he knows. He is the only person on earth to know my deepest and darkest secrets and I know I am the same for him. We have dealt with disappointments and broken dreams while celebrating joys and triumphs. I love his determination to get through his battles and his strong support to help motivate me through mine. I love his play on words or his making up lyrics on the spot. I can not ever think of my life without him, though admittedly, I have tried and I didn't enjoy our time apart, but these are the struggles that made us realize that we are meant to be together. I love you babe. I will always be your Nummerts, Gubbutts, and now your Bubbutts, and who knows what else in the future. You will always be my Huzzy.
3. Although I may never say this, I am thankful for my mom, whom I have learned many skills from. Though growing up, I never really took interest in the things she has done for us, other than the finished product, I use them today. I enjoy sewing and baking for my family, though I do not do these as much as I like. Traditions that we had in our house are being passed and used in mine today. I insist on making birthday cakes from scratch because I feel it is more special than a cake baked and decorated at home than one ordered from a store bakery. The Christmas Eve gift was always something to keep us warm while waiting for Santa's arrival. It was either a blanket and/or pillow, or a new pair of pajamas. I enjoy doing this today for my family. I also enjoy all the family stories of her growing up and others told to her. I have never really known my extended family, but these stories help me know them a little more. My mom and I sometimes don't get along well, at least from my end, but I'm glad to have picked up these things from her.
4. Having my dad around when I know many other people have never known their fathers is a big deal. I have developed a love of the smell of a mechanic's shop that is unrivaled. I love that he is a jack of trades and a master of none. I may have gotten my direct and unembellished answering style. If you want more details, all you need to do is ask. I love that I can get dirty and never think twice about it. His hands are rough from a life of hard work  with grease stains lined cracks. He is the one who taught me the value of the outdoors and always leaving an area a little cleaner than when you arrived. Teaching me to fish is something I enjoy doing today, as well as camping on a path untraveled. As with many in my life, I would like to see some changes in our relationship, such as his with my daughter. There are many things left unsaid because I do not like confrontation, among other things. Thank you Dad for doing your best for us with what you had.

"Just Wait Until..."

I read an opinion article last night about the worst advice to give other parents. It always seems to start with one parent (usually a younger, new parent) who is either complaining about a new habit their child has developed, or if they are young enough (such as the early 2-3's), how cute it is that this habit is. The other parent will inevitably come back with a "If you think that is bad/ cute, just wait until..." The article goes on to say how this phrase comes across as condescending rather than helpful. I know I do not do justice to summarizing this article.

I remember doing this a few times, not meaning any harm by it. One more recent situation was when I was at the playground at our complex and talking with another parent of an only child from the neighborhood. While we were watching our children play, another mom with two small girls (1 and 2 years old) came over and started talking. She said something to the effect of, "I can't wait until my girls get older!" I went on to say that she may not feel the same when they are older and then be wishing they were young again. (The other mom agreed, but I don't know if we feel that way because we have only children. It could be different with two children close in age.)

I say this about my own daughter. Sometimes I wish she were just a small infant to about 18 months old again. She was easy to care for, I knew what she wanted and she didn't talk back as much as she does now. In the long run though, I am glad she is 6 (and some days going on 16) and do wish that time would stand still. I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

My husband shared a story from one of his friends who posted on FB that she wished her 2 year old daughter be 5 right now after handing her a cup of juice and watched her daughter pour it on the floor, then laughing it off with a "But it was so cute!" It's not so cute when your 6 year old does it, and not to mention the stepping on your feet, pushing past you when you are carrying an armload of whatever so she could be in front of the imaginary line, then looking at you innocently like nothing even happened.

This got us talking about all the different things that no one told us, or that they did tell us, but we shrugged it off with "That won't happen to us" or "I learned from your mistakes" and returned the all-knowing look from the advice giver, usually in our experience, our parents.

Here are a few things we came with when our daughter was born:

• Girls have little fire hoses like boys; they can both pee up into the air as well as out in front of them. Just ask my carpet- and my husband, who was changing a diaper and almost got a face full of urine.
• When there is a fear of the toilet during the early potty training year, your child may find other ways to void their bladder... and their bowels. I had to throw out many a toy from this last one. There's nothing like cleaning your young toddler's room to discover that some random bowl-like toy has been used as a less frightening toilet. This includes the underside of a drum seat, the barrel for the Barrel of Monkeys, and many other things.
• There is nothing like coming into the living room and seeing your little one has taken off a dirty diaper, smeared it onto the couch you just recently purchased, and dancing on said couch. (Glad I was at work when this one happened.)
• There is no good cure for 'verbal diarrhea'; she will say whatever comes to mind, even about the time "Mom shaved Dad's butt!" Or one of my favorites just happened the other day when her dad and I were trying to take a 'nap' and she walked in. "Why are you taking a nap nekkie?"

Plus many more!

What a journey it has been thus far. There has been, and continues to be, challenges, more recently a semi-confirmed diagnosis of a medical condition that is being dealt with day by day.

Does anyone else have any advice that they were given and didn't take to heart until much later when their child(ren) did this or that? Was there any advice that was simply not given, but later thought it should have been? Or on the flip-side, what kind of advice have you given that wasn't received?

First Post/ Mental Torture

So, here is my first post. This has been on my mind all day and I thought I would share. It may not seem like much, but it is always on my mind. So here it goes.

I don't know why my mind does this, but my dreams are torturous. Yesterday I sat daydreaming about what it would be like to be sitting at my sewing machine making clothes and diapers for the baby I was carrying. Then last night I dreamt I was in labor, but didn't want to go to the hospital because I thought it was too early. I hate being jealous of other people who have newborn babies or are pregnant and I don't know how to control it at times. I have been brought to tears talking about it when my guard is let down, but I try to always keep it up. Every month when Aunt Flo comes to call, no matter how much I tell myself that there isn't anything there, a little piece of me is chipped away. I think I've come to terms about how it may never happen, but my mind never seems to listen.

Rereading this, I've noticed I can't even say what my torture is, but I don't think it needs to be said. I know some day will come, but some days it's too hard of a wait. For now, I know that I need to focus on something else. Maybe that's why I have so many hobbies, to keep my mind off the bad. But for now, this day has ended and I'm almost afraid to sleep but sleep must come and tomorrow is a new day.

Peaceful rest to all.