Not good enough

No matter how hard I try, it seems I can never get ahead. Take my current math class. I'm trying my best. I feel confident that I'm doing the best work possible and that everything is clicking, then BAM! I get a test back and it isn't looking so good- like a bad car accident that makes others slow down to gawk at. I try and I try and I try, yet it is never enough. It then adds on to my internal hatred of myself and affirms that I am not good enough, will NEVER be good enough for anyone or anything. I will never be able to reach any goal because of some small thing that adds to the pile of other small things. I never seem to be able to dig myself out from under it.
I'm under a lot of pressure to graduate with all the credits needed to be accepted to grad school. I want to be a teacher, but all these little things are making me doubt my decision- yet again. I'm so tired of all the stress that I'm holding on to. This quarter alone, I'm taking max full-time credits. I was told today that I'm in danger of losing credit. When I was told this, I shut down. I don't know how bad it was or what was wrong with this test; I got angry and threw it away.
I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I'm not a good enough mother.
I'm not a good enough girlfriend/ wife.
I'm not a good enough homemaker/ housekeeper.
I'm not a good enough cook.
I'm not a good enough student.

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Wedding Bells and Embarassing Bills

Last weekend marked a lot of firsts for me and my family; first flights, first time being in Tennessee, first time meeting new in-laws. My brother got married on Saturday, June 8. Everything was nice enough and everything seemed to go smoothly, with the exception of the wedding night where the family went out to a pricey restaurant before we had to go home the next morning. Knowing that we couldn't afford it, we only ordered drinks for us and a kid's meal for our daughter. My brother and his new wife also tried to buy small by sharing a meal and getting drinks for each of them. When the bills came, the waitress asked if the bills would be together or separate. We got a separate bill, as did everyone else. We paid and waited for everyone else. I saw that one of my cousins was eyeballing my mom to pay for him, so from what I saw, there was some negotiations between my brother and sister to pay for him. From what I saw, my sister ended up paying for a majority of the bill.
Fast forward to Tuesday this week and I asked my husband if he knew what had happened. It turned out that both my cousin AND my mother couldn't pay their bills and had asked my brother to pay for it. I am instantly embarrassed and angry at my mother for this. My brother JUST got married that day and him and his bride are trying to save their money. If my mom knew she couldn't afford this trip, she should have said so and suggested another place to eat.
So to my new sister-in-law, on behalf of my family, I would like to apologize for my mom's behavior. I would also like to take this opportunity to warn you- this will not be the last time she does this. She is a manipulator and my brother is under her control. Always has been, and I hope he can break the cycle. Please keep your marriage to yourselves because she will create wedges.
If you would like to have specific examples, feel free to contact me.

This Ten Year Rollercoaster We Call Us

I'm amazed when I see that number. TEN YEARS?! Yes, today is our 10 year anniversary. No, it isn't our 10 year wedding anniversary; that would be another 2 years if we had stayed legally married. And no, it isn't exactly continuous. It's been 10 years since the day we were introduced through friends who married a month after we did.

It's definitely been one hell of a rollercoaster ride and I wouldn't fix a thing. Why would I? Even with all the hardships that we've put each other through, we've fixed our personal issues together to make us even stronger as individuals, as a couple, and in the long run, as a family. There have been many times early on where one of us wanted to give up and move on, and a few times we did. No matter what, we always came back together. There's just something about our relationship that can NEVER be explained. We think alike, which can be scary at times. There are things in this world that no one else knows about ourselves other than the other half, not even our parents or closest friends. We've stuck together this long because we have come to the realization, whether it was over time or it suddenly hit us with a ton of bricks, that we can not or will survive without each other.

Let me back this up. Let's start this from the beginning:

 In April of 2004, I was preparing to graduate high school as a Super Senior (meaning I took an extra year) and I was moping around after a recent breakup. My friend at the time wanted me to set me up with her boyfriend's best friend. I agreed and she gave him my number. I paced my house nervously after school; I had never been on a blind date before and I didn't know what to expect. Later that afternoon, he called me and asked if I wanted to go out for coffee. "I don't drink coffee," I said, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Um, you don't have to order coffee. Just get what you want," he told me. I told him where I lived and we set a time for him to pick me up.

Later that evening, I was pacing again, feeling extremely nervous. From the second floor of my home, I hear my brother calling, "He's here!" Again embarrassed, I go to the door to meet him. He had long curly hair and a full goatee that I just fell in love with. My mom wanted to meet him, so I had to bring him in to do that. I was told to be home by 11 that night and I left in his bronze Astrovan with his friend in the back seat.

We had to go pick up my friend to make it a double date, then went to Denny's to have our 'coffee'. It was a lot of fun after a while. I drank my pop and mostly talked to my friend, but eventually I opened up enough to have some resemblance of a conversation with this guy. I found out he mentored at a junior high after school program, graduated the previous year, and coached a t-ball team with a friend.

After we finished at Denny's, we drove to one of the elementary schools to play on the swings and eventually him and I ended up at a nearby skate park where we sat in the bowl. We talked and stared up at the sky and talked some more. We then headed to my friend's house, whose parents were not home, and messed around some more. This is where my flirting side came out. I started to sit on his lap, hug him, and really just let myself show through. He introduced me to hot wax on my skin. We have a couple of pictures from this time, too, something not many people have this kind of thing. Eleven o'clock came and went and I called my mom to let her know I wasn't going to be home until 1:30, but we kept on talking and messing around. I eventually fell asleep in his arms around 5:30 that morning watching Monte Python and didn't get up until 9 am. I remember him getting up and saying he needed to go home sometime in between me falling asleep and waking up, but he left his phone number on the table next to me. I eventually got home that morning around 10:30 am to a not-so-happy mother, but I didn't care. I just went back to bed.

After that day, we saw each other daily for a long time.

The past 10 years have been filled with much happiness with getting married, which includes many funny, embarrassing, and otherwise unmentionable stories. It has also been filled with some bittersweet memories, such as after my daughter was born and the fiasco with family members. There has been heartache and disappointment, tears of joy, pain, and loss. There has been some health scares that turned out all right in the end.

It has been a rollercoaster and I won't change a thing.

I love you, my Huzzy. I'm proud to be your Nummerts, your Gubbuts.

I'm guilty for wanting to have a child of my own body. My husband and I adopted 7 years ago, but we have been ttc for 10 years. I have an opportunity to try Clomid to grow our family. I feel guilty because I know I should be happy with what we have, but I still feel empty inside. I feel guilty because I don't feel I'm doing the best I can when it comes to parenting my daughter. I lose my patience and I find myself yelling which causes me to feel even worse for myself and her. I'm told that we fight more like sisters than mother and daughter. To be honest, I don't know what that is like. I don't ever remember fighting with my sister so I lack that frame of reference. (My family isn't as close as I'd like it to be and we rarely talk.)
I don't know if I should parent another child if I already feel inadequate as a parent to the child I do have. Some parts of me wants to just be pregnant and have a baby again. I love that stage. Another reason is my and my husband's budding careers. I don't know if it will be possible to raise a baby and a child while working.

Being Thankful

On this Thanksgiving, I have a few things that are often left unsaid. So without further ado, here is my little list:

1. My little girl, who just turned 7, was born on Thanksgiving day and is what I am most thankful for. She began life so little and so strong-willed. Through all the struggles her father and I have been through, she has always taken everything in stride. Things that bother us don't seem to affect her.  Today, she has grown into a headstrong, tall, intelligent, articulate, silly, kind, an advocate for self and others, and a very independent child with a strong sense of right and wrong. I love every part of her. To paraphrase a book, "I love her through and through, yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too".
2. My equally strong-willed husband whom I have been with for almost 10 years (9 years, 7 months, and 4 days to be exact, but who's counting?). We've gone through a marriage, a divorce, and many ups and downs to be where we are today. I can never find the words to articulate to him how I feel, but in a way, I know he knows. He is the only person on earth to know my deepest and darkest secrets and I know I am the same for him. We have dealt with disappointments and broken dreams while celebrating joys and triumphs. I love his determination to get through his battles and his strong support to help motivate me through mine. I love his play on words or his making up lyrics on the spot. I can not ever think of my life without him, though admittedly, I have tried and I didn't enjoy our time apart, but these are the struggles that made us realize that we are meant to be together. I love you babe. I will always be your Nummerts, Gubbutts, and now your Bubbutts, and who knows what else in the future. You will always be my Huzzy.
3. Although I may never say this, I am thankful for my mom, whom I have learned many skills from. Though growing up, I never really took interest in the things she has done for us, other than the finished product, I use them today. I enjoy sewing and baking for my family, though I do not do these as much as I like. Traditions that we had in our house are being passed and used in mine today. I insist on making birthday cakes from scratch because I feel it is more special than a cake baked and decorated at home than one ordered from a store bakery. The Christmas Eve gift was always something to keep us warm while waiting for Santa's arrival. It was either a blanket and/or pillow, or a new pair of pajamas. I enjoy doing this today for my family. I also enjoy all the family stories of her growing up and others told to her. I have never really known my extended family, but these stories help me know them a little more. My mom and I sometimes don't get along well, at least from my end, but I'm glad to have picked up these things from her.
4. Having my dad around when I know many other people have never known their fathers is a big deal. I have developed a love of the smell of a mechanic's shop that is unrivaled. I love that he is a jack of trades and a master of none. I may have gotten my direct and unembellished answering style. If you want more details, all you need to do is ask. I love that I can get dirty and never think twice about it. His hands are rough from a life of hard work  with grease stains lined cracks. He is the one who taught me the value of the outdoors and always leaving an area a little cleaner than when you arrived. Teaching me to fish is something I enjoy doing today, as well as camping on a path untraveled. As with many in my life, I would like to see some changes in our relationship, such as his with my daughter. There are many things left unsaid because I do not like confrontation, among other things. Thank you Dad for doing your best for us with what you had.

Learning and Growing From Disappointment

Life is picking up around here. This is the year our baby girl started first grade and she will be turning 7 years in a little over a month. Next week, I will be starting classes again and starting my first day as a literacy and math tutor for a local elementary school. Huzzy was recently offered and accepted a job as a Personal Trainer at a local gym and starts next Monday too.

These things are moving smoothly while other things are being shot down. When we were looking around for a new home, we talked to the management of the apartment complex we are currently living in about their pet policy. I was told tenants in our apartment size could have up to three pets. This got our family excited because we had always wanted to have a dog join our family that includes two adult cats. We moved in, got settled, and have been actively looking for the perfect dog to meet our strict guidelines (i.e. good with cats, other dogs, and children of any age, especially very young; not a puppy, but not an old dog; not too small, but not to big; etc.) at local rescues and shelters. This week, we found the perfect one at the local shelter. She is a cattle dog named Tazzy; a big ball of energy who is also a big cuddle bug. After filling out the paperwork, the shelter called our complex manager, as per their policy, to confirm our eligibility to adopt her. Turns out, "it's always been two pets" that are allowed. Completely opposite of what we were told upon move in, even after we asked multiple times while signing the lease. We left the shelter in a ball of emotions; embarrassed to go in there only to be denied, angry that we were deceived by our understanding of the pet policy, and overwhelmingly disappointed and upset to the point of tears. We had the mindset that we were going to bring this dog home and surprise our daughter after school. It truly hurt us. To get through this, we tell ourselves the same thing we tell our daughter: "We will get the right dog for our family when the time is right." This seems to hurt us more than it helps her. The only bright side is knowing that she will find a great family and the fact that our daughter never got to meet this dog.

Huzzy and I have been talking for a while about how to bring up the fact of the adoption of our daughter to her. She is getting older quickly and want to tell her, but we are still trying to figure out how to do so. We thought about talking about the adoption of animals, such as our cats, and tying it into the adoption of humans. At the end of last school year, she was given a story book about adoption and I've found a book on the same topic at my college library. We have read these together and lightly discussed the reasons for adoption, including the circumstances behind her becoming ours. It is a process that is taking its time and I believe it's partly out of fear on our parts, at least my part. What kind of questions will she ask? How will she react? Will she want to ask her Aunt (bio mom) questions and call her cousins her brother and sister? We want them to stay her aunt and cousins, but know there is a special bond between them.

Another reason for wanting to tell her is her constant questions of "When will I have a baby brother?" I don't know how to explain our struggles to conceive for the past 10 years. We have yet to even touch on the birds and the bees talk. How can we explain that Daddy and Momma just can't have babies? When she does vocalize this wish for a sibling, I try to tell her that it probably won't happen any time soon.

With this knowledge that we may never, ever, have a child of our own genes, my Huzzy and I have come to the realization, in our own way, that this dream is slipping away with every month passing. We are moving into our 30's and both have our respective reproductive health issues. We cannot afford the treatments to artificial pregnancy, and to be honest, I don't think I could go through with it and keep a sane mind. He doesn't share his thoughts on the matter very often, but when he does, I can hear the hurt in his voice and I'm hurt by this. Having a larger family was something we've talked about since first meeting.

There are days where my thoughts float from guilt of not being able to conceive to the grieving for the loss of a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. Ads on my FB page don't help; ads on the radio and TV intensify it, and songs with messages of a happy large family damn near brings me to tears. And to top it off, it all needs to be pushed down to be able to function on a level of normalcy.

As I've said in previous posts, when my body prepares for the arrival of Aunt Flo's unwelcome visit, my mind goes for a ride on the emotional rollercoaster. A small part of me battles with the hope of a child growing inside and the reasonable side that reminds me that it's almost impossible. No matter how this battle is fought, in the end, that small part of me dies and goes into hibernation until the next month when it will continue. The hardest part of all this is not knowing why nothing is happening and knowing that we may never be able to fix it.

In the mean time, it is hard to be around new moms or moms-to-be. Last weekend was my niece's third birthday. Her mother invited two friends who had recently given birth (2 months and 2 weeks). I instantly went into the feelings of guilt and grief mixed with jealousy and resentment. Deep down, I know these feelings are unreasonable, but they always seem to surface. I spent most of my time trying to stay away from the newborn most of all. She was passed from one person's arms to another. Eventually, she was placed into the arms of the woman (one I can not stand, but have to tolerate) who was sitting next to me. It took all I had in me to not just break down and cry. I eventually had to get up and make myself busy. This was the closest I'd been to a newborn in a very long time and I had to push myself to my limits to make myself appear as all was well and focus myself on my little niece, which did help- a bit.

With all this going on, Huzzy and I have come to the resolution to seriously save our money with the goal of buying our first home to be free of landlords who tell us how many pets we may have, how we can store our bikes and other things, and just make rules we don't agree with. It will take a few years, but we are determined to reach this. Nothing will stop in our way.

In the mean time, Baby Girl, Huzzy, and I will succeed in our respective education and career goals. We will move on from these disappointments, as well as any future mishaps, and use them to grow and learn from. In the end, what else can we do? We don't want to wallow in the dark, but emerge brighter than ever with the goal of bettering ourselves individually and as a family. I'm not saying we are perfect, or will ever be, but we can at least lean on each other for love and support. What else is family for, anyway?

"Just Wait Until..."

I read an opinion article last night about the worst advice to give other parents. It always seems to start with one parent (usually a younger, new parent) who is either complaining about a new habit their child has developed, or if they are young enough (such as the early 2-3's), how cute it is that this habit is. The other parent will inevitably come back with a "If you think that is bad/ cute, just wait until..." The article goes on to say how this phrase comes across as condescending rather than helpful. I know I do not do justice to summarizing this article.

I remember doing this a few times, not meaning any harm by it. One more recent situation was when I was at the playground at our complex and talking with another parent of an only child from the neighborhood. While we were watching our children play, another mom with two small girls (1 and 2 years old) came over and started talking. She said something to the effect of, "I can't wait until my girls get older!" I went on to say that she may not feel the same when they are older and then be wishing they were young again. (The other mom agreed, but I don't know if we feel that way because we have only children. It could be different with two children close in age.)

I say this about my own daughter. Sometimes I wish she were just a small infant to about 18 months old again. She was easy to care for, I knew what she wanted and she didn't talk back as much as she does now. In the long run though, I am glad she is 6 (and some days going on 16) and do wish that time would stand still. I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

My husband shared a story from one of his friends who posted on FB that she wished her 2 year old daughter be 5 right now after handing her a cup of juice and watched her daughter pour it on the floor, then laughing it off with a "But it was so cute!" It's not so cute when your 6 year old does it, and not to mention the stepping on your feet, pushing past you when you are carrying an armload of whatever so she could be in front of the imaginary line, then looking at you innocently like nothing even happened.

This got us talking about all the different things that no one told us, or that they did tell us, but we shrugged it off with "That won't happen to us" or "I learned from your mistakes" and returned the all-knowing look from the advice giver, usually in our experience, our parents.

Here are a few things we came with when our daughter was born:

• Girls have little fire hoses like boys; they can both pee up into the air as well as out in front of them. Just ask my carpet- and my husband, who was changing a diaper and almost got a face full of urine.
• When there is a fear of the toilet during the early potty training year, your child may find other ways to void their bladder... and their bowels. I had to throw out many a toy from this last one. There's nothing like cleaning your young toddler's room to discover that some random bowl-like toy has been used as a less frightening toilet. This includes the underside of a drum seat, the barrel for the Barrel of Monkeys, and many other things.
• There is nothing like coming into the living room and seeing your little one has taken off a dirty diaper, smeared it onto the couch you just recently purchased, and dancing on said couch. (Glad I was at work when this one happened.)
• There is no good cure for 'verbal diarrhea'; she will say whatever comes to mind, even about the time "Mom shaved Dad's butt!" Or one of my favorites just happened the other day when her dad and I were trying to take a 'nap' and she walked in. "Why are you taking a nap nekkie?"

Plus many more!

What a journey it has been thus far. There has been, and continues to be, challenges, more recently a semi-confirmed diagnosis of a medical condition that is being dealt with day by day.

Does anyone else have any advice that they were given and didn't take to heart until much later when their child(ren) did this or that? Was there any advice that was simply not given, but later thought it should have been? Or on the flip-side, what kind of advice have you given that wasn't received?